Parenting guilt: I lose my temper with my kids and hate myself

Hearing about the 30% attunement rule took so much pressure off me. The repair is what matters.

The goal of parenting is not perfection; it is rupture and repair. Dr. Donald Winnicott coined the term the "good enough mother" (or parent). Research shows that parents only need to be attuned to their children about 30% of the time to foster secure attachment, provided the ruptures are repaired. When you lose your temper, the most therapeutic thing you can do is model emotional regulation by apologizing: "I am sorry I yelled. I was feeling very overwhelmed, but it was not okay for me to yell at you." This teaches your child that adults make mistakes and take accountability.