I cheated - how do I help my partner heal?

As the partner who betrayed trust, your role now is to become a 'safe' partner. Healing cannot be rushed, and in fact, trying to speed it up often backfires. Your husband's panic attacks are a normal trauma response. Here are some evidence-based suggestions: (1) Tolerate his anger and pain without becoming defensive or withdrawing. (2) Answer his questions completely and honestly, even if it hurts you to share. (3) Practice empathy: imagine how you'd feel in his shoes. (4) Don't expect gratitude for your efforts in rebuilding; this is the baseline of accountability. (5) Maintain boundaries with the person you cheated with, and consider sharing your location/communications voluntarily for a time. The Gottman Institute research shows that couples who rebuild trust successfully often engage in 'attunement' conversations where the betrayed partner feels heard and understood. It may take 6-18 months to see significant improvement. Patience and consistent actions are key.

Be careful not to dive into 'fixing' mode - sometimes your partner just needs to vent or cry without you trying to solve it. Also, avoid defensiveness at all costs. And consider reading 'After the Affair' by Spring - it's a great resource for both of you.

Mark, it takes a lot of courage to admit what you did and want to fix it. My ex did something similar, and what helped me was when he was patient with my questions and never got annoyed. He also gave me space when I needed it. Be consistent and transparent. It won't be fast, but if you're both committed, it can work.